Tuesday, October 2, 2012

On Tantrums, Heartbreak, Love and Weaning

Last week, my baby turned one. I'd previously done practice runs to see how weaning him would go, but he'd already begun to put his foot down as if he already knew the day would soon come. He would crawl around and randomly come for a little sucking, then minutes later he'd come back for a few seconds to maybe a couple minutes more of sucking. As if to make sure everything was still secure and he still had this thing on lock. I decided it's time to get this thing in full swing, and he's not taking that well at all.

Weaning him has proved harder than weaning any of my other children. Or at least so it seems. Sometimes he makes me feel as if he strongly dislikes me. I try to talk as sweetly to him as I can when letting him know that he can't. It turns into him throwing his head back, grabbing and snatching at things and even biting me to show me how angry he is and just flat out rejection towards me. He goes through spurts where he doesn't want me to touch him. Oh how it breaks my heart! His disappointment sometimes shows up in his daily activities. It just seems that things that he normally takes easier frustrate him so deeply. I'm used to being the one that he turns to when he's hurting and being able to comfort him, whether through a hug, rocking or putting him to my breast, but now he has these times where he makes me feel just utterly rejected.

I'm taking away his best friend. The friend he turns to when he's bored, lonely or in need of comfort. It feels so much like betrayal on my part. I'm doing all that I know to do, though. Holding him despite his rejection, protecting his precious little head when he would surely throw it against something and bring pain, kissing him, talking softly to him, and working through the hurt that he is unknowingly causing me. Many times I hold him and kiss him against his will, and he'll eventually cave in to my gestures of love. We're just about down to bedtime feedings only. As I wonder if I really am just cutting him off too soon, I know that i'll be relieved when this is all over.