Monday, December 8, 2008

Those girls....

I want to talk more about these girls and my experience with some girls in my life. Things that have affected me to this day and caused me to be an at times introverted individual. I'll start with my next door neighbor. She was friendly to me, but when she didn't have any of her other friends around to be friendly with. I remember going to her house from time to time and playing with her toys. But when one of her other two friends who lived down the street or the one who lived across the street were available for her to play with, I was almost seemingly non existent to her. I was as nice to her as I knew how to be and gave her, in my opinion, no reason for her to treat me that way.

In my church there was a group of girls, who seemed to hate me. I couldn't understand it. I never really fit in. There was at least one friend who was mutually friends with me as well as the group, who never seemed to mistreat me, no matter what and I believe to this day she was truly pure. I had my couple of friends on the side as well. One of whom liked the same guy that I liked. I didn't know it, and when I told her, she slowly drifted away, and next thing I knew, they were dating. Things seemed to change between us permanently from there. I believe these others hated me so because, again, I had the "good girl" image. I remember at least on one occasion one of them being confronted in our purity class and asked "why can't you be like her." So this was what was going on? Maybe I was being used as the household standard for how girls should be. Well, this was the conclusion I reached and have held on to. These girls didn't want to sit by me, hang out with me, talk to me, nothing. I knew that they were talking about me at times. They hurt me so badly. I have scars from this.

I thought i'd healed, but when I take a look at myself these days, I have no consistent friend. At no fault of anyone but myself. I guess i'm a bit scared to really let myself befriend someone for fear of being let down. I've wondered if I should tell the women at my current church of my issues of old. I want to befriend the other women and i'll try and talk with them sometimes here and there, and have even been to a couple of their houses on an occasion or so, but won't allow myself to totally trust anyone, and they're sweet and they reach out to me and all, but I just can't let go. I'll give them a little leeway and change up and distance myself a bit not letting things get far beyond mere aquaintances. Yes, I do want to get over this stump and heal, but I can't seem to figure this part of my life out as of yet. This is one struggle as a human that I have in my life.